In My Life
by thejessicalynn
Summary: After Tohma’s marriage fails combined with the stress of his job he seeks comfort in drugs. Things seem hopeless, but with Ryuichi’s help perhaps he can overcome his own addiction. TohmaRyuichi. Chapter One Up! Please R&R!
1. Prologue

**Title:** "In My Life"  
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**Pairing:** Tohma/Ryuichi  
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**Rating:** R for drug usage, language and content.  
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**Summary:** After Tohma's marriage fails combined with the stress of his job he seeks comfort in drugs. Things seem hopeless, but with Ryuichi's help perhaps he can overcome his own addiction.  
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**Disclaimor:** I don't own any of these characters so you don't sue.**  
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**A/N**: I hope you all can look past the fact that this story is out of the ordinary. I promise there will be proper buildup and reasoning behind the controversial nature of the story. This story could not have been written without Kit's Ryuichi influence.

**"In My Life"**

**By: make me shiny **

**Prologue **

After the first hit. The first feel of it. I was hooked.

It was the only thing that took away the stress and pain of my job and of my failed marriage. I know now that it was the worst thing for me. He was right all along. In his innocence, he was always right. Ryuichi. I can't even count all of the times he asked me to stop. I would always brush his request aside. I didn't care what it was doing to me or to my body. All I cared about was my next fix. Looking back on it all, it seems so uncharacteristic of me. However, back then, nothing felt more right. Through those full three years, I always thought that I was in control, when in reality it controlled me. He saw that. He noted it and never failed to point it out. I wish I had listened to him. I wish that I could take all of the pain that I caused him in those years back.

It was my life. That was what I kept telling him. But it was his life I was messing with too. It wasn't until he showed me exactly how pathetic I was being that I realized my fault. His voice in those few minutes was what I needed to break me from the spell that the drug held me in. I was like its prisoner: caged and captive. I was a slave to its will. He set me free. I can still hear his song. I can still feel it coursing through my veins. His song was the only drug I needed. Why did it take me so long to see that?

Three years of my life were wasted.

Wasted on as Ryuichi put it so well,

Hopelessness.


	2. Painful Musings

**Title:** In My Life

Rating: R for drug usage, language, and content.

**Pairing:** Tohma/Ryuichi

**Disclaimer:** I don't own them so you don't sue me.

**A/N**: Here is chapter one for you. I hope that you enjoy it. I have put a lot of emotion into it. Hopefully, I can pass some of that emotion onto you. Because that's the only way to read a fic ;)

**"In My Life"**

**By: make me shiny (aka Kuma)**

**Chapter One **

"Well is it true?" I asked her watching for any hint or sign that would lead me to believe what I had heard was in fact truth. Word through the grapevine had been that Mika was not upholding her marital vows by staying faithful to me. Apparently, such things had been going on behind my back for some time now. I suppose I knew. It was hard not to. Mika and I barely slept in the same room together anymore. We only kissed or touched in public. Moreover, any words that we might have shared were lukewarm at best.

I watched forlornly as she looked away. I didn't need anymore answer than that.

"I see…" I told her as I myself averted my eyes to the side. What was the next step? My suspicions had been confirmed. "Should we try to work this out?" I asked her finally allowing my eyes to meet hers in a full stare.

"It's too late for that now Tohma." I remember her informing me. I can also remember not being surprised as it were. I had expected such an answer. I cannot say that I was crushed, yet I can't say that I was pleased either. Our marriage had been one of convenience and of friendship, but in the past few months, I could see even our friendship dwindling to nothing. I believe that that was what hurt the most for me. It had been for the last month or so, almost as if we hated each other. We were constantly at each other's throats. That was no way to live. Therefore, as much as I disapproved of her unfaithfulness to me, I couldn't say that I completely blamed her.

"So I suppose it's over officially then?" I posed my second question to her. Again, I knew the answer. I just waited for it to slip past the lips that had recently grown cold to me.

"I've taken the liberty of stopping by the courthouse already." I was told then. This was where the surprises began.

"Oh? Might I ask what for?" Third question of the day. I was on a roll. I remember running my fingers nervously over my tie at that point. The softness of it should have been comforting, but the feel only made me sick to my stomach.

"Divorce papers." She told me coolly. It was almost as if it didn't affect her at all. Though perhaps it had moved past that point a while ago. Perhaps going to such extremes was her only chance to feel anything anymore. I had myself to thank for that. No, it was not entirely my fault. A relationship takes two people and I could bet my life on the fact that neither of us had ever truely put one hundred percent into it. Not even in the beginning. She handed me the sheets then. Where had they come from? It was almost as if she had produced them from thin air. I calmly took them from her and let my eyes skim the document.

"You've thought this out I see." I said flipping through the pages. The paper felt rougher against my skin than it should have. Though I am sure that was due to the fact that my senses were heightened in that moment from the slight shock that I was experiencing. I was surprised that she had taken it to this step in such a quick amount of time. It had been expected, yes that much was true. However, I had not expected her to go to such lengths without at least consulting me first. "Do you mind if I look these over?" I asked shifting the papers slowly in my hands.

"Of course not." She told me. I watched as she began to play with her fingers slightly. She always did that when she was nervous. To this day, I can't imagine why she had been uneasy. The act of providing me with the divorce papers had seemed to roll off of her chest so easily. Perhaps it was another one of her acts she had perfected so well in our years together, or possibly it was the feeling of friendship we still held onto between each other. I hoped in that moment that we could salvage at least that much of our quickly diminishing relationship.

"Thank you." I shoved the papers into my coat pocket. "If that's all then I should be heading off to work. I have a meeting early this morning." I tried to sound professional and collected. That made her frown. I am almost positive she was mentally scolding my work habits. I am also almost positive that very thing aided in that morning's events.

"I'll be out for the day." She told me before grabbing her purse. I remember nodding and telling her to have a good day. Strangely enough, that was more kind words than I would normally offer her on a daily basis anymore. It's funny how things work. She nodded and offered the same kind words back to me before leaving the kitchen. I heard the door close and I sighed. I stood there a moment and tried to pinpoint the exact moment when our marriage not only became cold, but sunk below friendly status as well. I expect that you cannot actually pinpoint such things down to just one event or even two. Whatever had caused our marriage to become one of spite was a combination of a number of different things.

I waited until I heard her car start and pull out of the driveway before I, too, exited the house and got into my own car. I sat there for about ten minutes I think, just staring at the dashboard. How could we have failed so miserably? I don't even remember putting my keys in the ignition. That drive to work felt like it didn't happen at all. Frankly, I'm surprised that I managed not to wreck. I seriously doubt that I was paying any attention.

I parked my car in its usual spot, and took the habitual route into the building. I was greeted the moment I entered the building as per usual. I made sure to smile and wave at all who made the effort to say hello to me. When I entered the elevator, I leaned against the cool metal wall and gripped the bar slightly. I tapped my fingers against the bar producing a soft clanking sound. I glanced down at my fingers as metal sounded against metal. My wedding band had been hitting against the bar. I sighed for about the fiftieth time in an hour. I couldn't even take the ring off. Why? Because the reporters would have a field day. It is amazing how they notice such trivial things. You always had to watch what you said and watch what you did. The entire situation was still too new to me at that time to even begin thinking about throwing myself to those dogs.

I watched as the silver doors parted in front of my eyes revealing my floor. Quickly I stepped out of the elevator and headed towards my office. When I reached the door I unlocked it and stepped inside immediately closing it behind me. I just wanted to stay in there forever. I did not wish to speak with anyone or see anyone. I even considered canceling my meetings for the day. I know that was a foolish thought. Abrupt change brings about suspicion. To survive in my profession you had to play it cool and remain calm at all hours of the day. The first sign of something a little off causes the questions to start coming in. And sadly enough I was almost positive that I would not have the right answers for all of them.

My meetings and clients came and went and I managed to get through the day with minimal questions about my health and the like from my staff. I think they knew not to question anything that I said that day, which was smart of them. Mika hadn't called all that day (not that I had expected her to). I couldn't tell you why everything seemed to play by different rules now that the end of my marriage had been officially decided as opposed to having it be over without anyone feeling the need to say anything about it.

I just wish that I had been more prepared, or at least a little more observant. It didn't matter by that point though. There was nothing I could have done to fix it. So I accepted it. At least on the outside. It was very much a surprise to me how much it affected me on the inside. I suppose the only explanation was that I loved her despite the marriage of convenience. On the other hand, perhaps it was only the curse of human nature that causes you to miss things only after they are gone. Either way, it was affecting me more than it probably should have considering the circumstances.

I considered just staying in the office that night. It wouldn't have been the first time. I most certainly did not feel like going home whether she was going to be there or not. Most likely the latter. Still, I felt the need to distance myself from contact with her for the time being. I rubbed my eyes before finally deciding to leave the office. I slipped my suit jacket back on over my shoulders noting the heaviness of it. I laughed lightly at that because I had felt weighed down all day.

I slipped out of the building thankfully unnoticed by many. When I reached the outside of NG studios, the sun had already begun to set. The sky was dusted with pink along the horizon. It was truly a beautiful sight, though its meaning was lost in my mood.

I needed something to cheer me up. At least someone to talk to.

Perhaps a visit to Eiri would do me well I thought. One could never really tell the outcome of a meeting with him, but my whole day had been full of surprises (albeit unwanted ones). I could handle a few more if the situation arose. Not to mention that I would rather he heard the news from me rather than from her. I had been there for Eiri almost every chance that I could have been. I suppose I hoped that I would be shown the same courtesy. I needed his help now, and it was somewhat demoralizing that I had to wonder whether or not he would come through for me.

To Be Continued...

A/N: Lemme know what you think guys! Reviews feed the writing FIRE. heheh. Should have the next chapter up within the week so keep checking back!


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